why do I have to be so vulnerable, gullible and weak at the same time?
I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I can feel something
is wrong, if not, lacking. I never seem good enough though I try my best- no
matter how best my best is!
About school, my parents are never really proud of me, no
matter what achievements I may have. Or sometimes when I’m busy making projects
and needs to do things like go out for a night to a distant place looking for
people to interview, they just won’t let me. Or if I had to do things with my
groupmates, they’ll squeal about it when I get home. They say I am never really
good. I’m smart in school, they admit that but not smart in the real world. Like
how clumsy I get with my personal belongings, or how aggressive I am in making
decisions.
In school, of course there are people who judge me with the
physical. I admit my personality is a bit stingy, unpatterened that sometimes I
am loud, and sometimes I am not. But I hate it when other people would dare to
look at me as if I’m a nobody. though it happens rarely, it happens.
In love, and the greatest cause of my sadness, I AM NEVER
ENOUGH. I thought that when I have this somebody he’s gonna be there for me. I
guess not. He will always find someone better and it hurts me so deeply that I’d
rather have someone strike me with a knife and pull my heart out. I’d love that
rather than everyday I have to suffer this pain which I cannot voice out
because if I do, I would cause more trouble, and it’L hurt more. Now, I lay
quiet. I don’t care what will happen next to me. God forbid the coming of the day that I will be so discouraged to love. And
God forbid the day that I’ll be sunk down to hate every man and myself- for
being nit enough.
I don’t get it why a man can’t love one woman alone. Why
take more?
What’s wrong with me? My looks? My attitude? My manners? My
principles? OR The way I treat you?
As far as I have remembered, I have loved you to the extent
of my capabilities, took the risks of FALLING for you. Took the risks even if
my family is against this act. Gave you
my everything that’s within my capacity but still they’re never enough.
You know, I can love you like no woman can. But I don’t get
it why you have to hurt me so bad. Do you really have to? Do you take joy when
I suffer?
I thought that from the constraints of my family, you’ll be
my refuge. A person that will be there for me, listen to me, take care of me
and… LOVE me. But where is that person now?
NO pain is greater than from the pain given to you by the
person you loved most.
God, Oh God, please help this poor soul. Please do me a
favor, let me be happy and contented with or without a man..
God, Im crying my eyes tonight and I wish I had more tears….
Because I’m afraid that they’ll run dry- AGAIN…
but tonight, I’ll cry this pain coz I was born to be above
average- BUT NEVER ENOUGH.
